Establishing boundaries can be a very important thing to do in dating and romantic relationships, especially for women. The boundaries that a woman does set in these situations are based on her values and on what she believes are appropriate behaviors for her in those dating and romantic situations.

Let’s look at two boundary situations:
• If on the second date a man asks a woman to go away with him for a weekend, I would advise her to reply, “Thank you, but I could never do that until perhaps we knew each other a lot better.”

• Another situation: They’ve been dating and having sex for six months, and he then asks her to move in with him. If the woman desires, ultimately, to marry this man, I would recommend that she reply, “Thank you, sweetheart, but I could never move in with you unless we were married---or at least engaged.”

The 3-part structure behind my suggested boundary phrasing is, first, to thank the man for the offer, then, to decline it forcefully (“never”), and, finally, to tell the man of any condition (engaged or married) that might change the woman’s mind.

• A last example: the woman wishes to marry the man and listens to him propose marriage, but also say that he doesn’t want to get the ring or set a wedding date “just yet.” What should she say? Again, she should stand up for what she reasonably wants and believes in and say, “Oh, sweetheart, I could never get engaged without a ring and wedding date. That’s what an engagement is, sweetheart.”

In any of these situations, if the man then asks why the woman can’t do what he is asking, she should answer in the following manner, standing behind her beliefs and values: “I just don’t believe in doing that sort of thing; that’s not the kind of woman I am.”

How would you establish the boundaries in your dating and relationships? Any tips to share with me?

Py Kim Conant, the author of Sex Secrets of an American Geisha: How to Attract, Satisfy, and Keep Your Man, from Hunter House, October 28, 2006. Looking for dating, sexuality, and relationship tips and secrets? Visit her website at www.AmericanGeishaHouse.com

The other day I posted a blog about “Opening up to Problems.” And Joe, one of my readers was honest enough to open up his story to me. I want to share his story with you.

After I read his first response to my blog, I was wondering if his penis size and self-esteem were related. So I bluntly asked him about his penis size and self-esteem:

Joe,
Do you really have that big penis? Is it true that if a man has a big penis, then he has high self-esteem?
Men are so sensitive to their own penis size. Maybe the reason you are so confident with your own sexuality is because you have a bigger size than other men. Is this true to you?

Here is his response to my blunt question:
I would say I am above average, but not huge. Point of reference: I was looking at dildos in a catalogue and the one that was to my dimensions was called the "Slim Jim"

My self esteem does not come entirely from my penis size. Besides, when I was young, walking in on my father urinating I did not see another penis until I was 17. And this was in a pornographic movie, and they usually only employ rather well endowed males. The first real penis I saw, a year later, was one of my best friends, when he and my girlfriend (at the time) and another guy had a foursome. His penis is 9 inches long and at least 2 inches wide. The rest of my friends have claimed sizes in between 5 and 6 inches. The source of my self esteem stems from my perceived intelligence. Intelligence also serves as an aphrodisiac for me, I am attracted to smart women and they can arouse me very easily with their minds.

They say, "It's not the size of the tool that counts, but how you use it."

And I guess that’s true, anything over 2 and a 1/2 inches is enough to stimulate women. I lost my virginity to a very experience girl, she had actually been with a lot more women then men, and I think that helped her know where on her body she liked to be stimulated, she was not afraid to tell me what she liked and disliked. Since it was all new to me, I tried everything with her (including taking her anal virginity).
She is the one who opened me up to sex, and I'll always be glad for it.

Also, probably another reason why I don't think too seriously about my penis or my performance in bed is because I have a lower than average libido. This can be straining on my girlfriend, since she has a much higher one. I only masturbate about 2-3 times a week, sometimes more if I go through a bout of hornyness. I just don't put very much emphasis on sex. It is part of my life, but not a big part. I don't dress to entice, and I don't make sexually suggestive jokes (unlike my co-workers, who I believe do so to relieve sexual tension and frustration).

I am not above flirting though. Flirting is fun and I'll do it with anyone willing to reciprocate.

Honestly though, I would make love to the whole world if I could, to see the smiles, to see the expression of totally letting go to a climax. Mmm, now I'm turning myself on, I better stop before I start sweating....

I had known James, an old boyfriend, with a Michaelangelo’s Dave body came toward me as a great hulking bear in the International arrivals area at the airport. While I hadn’t seen James for a few years, he had put on forty pounds or more and even walked differently, jus as I imagined a huge bear would raised up on its two hind legs. My years of masturbation fantasies of David seemed in an instant to be all lies. Just to make things worse, when we got naked later, he had the audacity to tell me, “You put on weight.” When we made love, I imagined us as two bay-oil-covered balloons rubbing against each other, but no longer fitting together.

What would you do/tell when your boyfriend or girlfriend is getting fat?

Py Kim Conant, the author of Sex Secrets of an American Geisha: How to Attract, Satisfy, and Keep Your Man, from Hunter House, October 2006. Visit her website at www.AmericanGeishaHouse.com

The best way to deal with one partner changing his or her mind about having children is to deal with the question of children very consciously and quite early in the relationship, so that if the relationship progresses to marriage, both parties have a very responsible, conscious, perhaps years-long commitment to their agreement concerning children.

Before getting into a committed relationship, marriage, or even before becoming sexual, I believe women who definitely want both marriage and children (eventually) should firmly establish that their men also definitely want both marriage and children (eventually). This joint desire for children should be well-established by the time of engagement and should be re-tested and recommitted to during the engagement period. Further, the intention should be a part of the personalized wedding vows.

After all of this joint agreement about marriage and children, if one partner changes his or her mind, that person should know that, due to the honestly and often expressed desire of the partner, there is a very good chance, the relationship will end due to the critical importance of the now very different life style choices. Avoid this heartbreak by being conscious, honest, and assertive early (even before the first sex) in the relationship.

What would you do when your partner in a married (or committed relationship) changes his/her mind on having a child?

Py Kim Conant, the author of Sex Secrets of an American Geisha: How to Attract, Satisfy, and Keep Your Man, from Hunter House, October 28, 2006. Looking for dating, sexuality, and relationship tips and secrets? Visit her website at www.AmericanGeishaHouse.com

I am from South Korea, an Asian culture where older people usually pay for meals, and where there is no such thing as a dutch pay system.

In the US I didn’t feel comfortable and I felt people were selfish and cheap when they figured out how to divide the cost of the meals so evenly. With my Korean friends living in the US, I pretend sometimes that I want to pay knowing they are actually going to pay for our meal, arguing I should pay, then pleasantly giving in to my friends and letting one of them pay acquaintance have already paid by the time I return. (I guess I can be cheap, too!). Or actually sometimes, I go to the bathroom about the time the bill comes to the dining table. My Korean friends or older acquaintance already pay as I expected
.
Do you have any similar experiences to share with me about who pays? Who pays when you go out with your friends? How about with your family? How about with your date?