I am 4 feet 9 inches tall, immigrant from Korea. My husband, Richard, is 6 feet 3 inches tall, Caucasian American. We have a big age gap, too.

When I first met my husband Richard at a singles dance in 1998, he owned no house, no car, had no stable job, no real savings, no medical insurance. He described himself as “confirmed bachelor.” I was 35 with a new car, a full-time teaching job, substantial savings, and full medical benefits.

Richard had never married and said he wouldn’t because he didn’t want to take on the responsibility, especially at his age (in his 50s). He was looking for a relationship with a woman to live together without marriage. I wanted marriage. I could have walked away. But somehow he and I seemed to fit well together even though we were from different cultures and different atmospheres (he is a foot-and-half taller). Our big age difference didn’t matter to us. Richard said we got together because we were “two loners who made each other laugh.”

We dated for a year, while he occasionally reminded me firmly that he was not going to marry me. Ultimately, I didn’t want to spend any more of my time with a man who didn’t want to marry, so I said my final goodbye to him one evening over dinner. He happily surprised me by declaring, with tears in his eyes, “I can’t let the nicest, sweetest woman I’ve ever known walk out of my life.” He proposed right then and we bought an engagement ring within two weeks.

However, my family didn’t approve of our marriage because of Richard’s race, his unstable income, and his age. My family told me, “It’s a shame to our family if you marry him.” They all refused to come to our wedding. Shortly after we became engaged, I dropped out of contact with my disapproving family. I ignored my family’s judgment, knowing that Richard was more than what my family believed.

In April 2000 we were married, standing under a tree on a hill overlooking the bay on Catalina Island, California. Three friends, but no family watched us read our personalized wedding vows. For his and my first-and-only marriage, we fearlessly said, “I do” to our future.

We have been married for more than 6 years…happily.

My question for you: In matters of the heart, should you listen to your own thoughts and feelings? Or should you listen to those of your family or society? Would you like to share your romance story?

Growing up in Korea, I was simply a woman. However, in the US, most Americans I meet immediately categorize me as an “Asian” woman. Then often ask me upon first meeting, “Where are you from? How long have been in the US? Do you speak English?” I get all of these questions due to my Asian look. People even think I’m nice or non-confrontational because that’s how Asian women are, not because that’s how I am as an individual.

The movie Memoirs of a Geisha, based on Arthur Golden’s best-selling book, might have teased non-Asian women, making them curious and then mystified, wanting to know more about the secrets of attraction that Asian women possess. The movie also might have boosted or encouraged the stereotype of the Asian woman’s exotic and erotic beauty.

I took this as a positive stereotype, one that inspired me as an Asian woman (or simply as a woman), to try to somewhat live up to the standard, whether it is fully a true reflection of most Asian women or not. I want to be exotic and at least a bit erotic; and beautiful too. If you’re a woman, don’t you want at least a little bit of this, as well?

The attraction to Asian women can be so strong that some American men develop a female Asian fetish or “yellow fever,” the viral cause of this increase in male body temperature and heart rate thought to be the woman’s great femininity and mysterious Asian look.
Of course, there can be negative Asian female stereotypes such as “materialistic” or “haughty” that I do not feel either fit me or inspire me to emulate them. Aware of these specific negative generalizations, perhaps I’ll be inspired to guard against any excessive materialism or unapproachable behavior.

I am not speaking politically correctly here, am I?

Py Kim Conant, the author of Sex Secrets of an American Geisha: How to Attract, Satisfy, and Keep Your Man, from Hunter House, October 28, 2006. Looking for dating, sexuality, and relationship tips and secrets? Visit her website at www.AmericanGeishaHouse.com

After my first ten years in the US, I returned to Seoul, Korea for a visit. I felt then myself a foreigner in my homeland. I have the same look as Korean people. I speak the same language, and I eat the same food. But I am different from the Korean people. Once I left Korea in 1983, I was no longer a fully Korean.

I have been away from Korea and have seen the bigger world, mixed with different ethnic, racial, and language groups, even enjoying other foods. Yet even in this bigger world (Los Angeles, California) for the last 20 years, I am still a foreigner. It seems there is no place I belong to.

Even becoming a US citizen in 1991 didn’t fully blend me into the American melting pot. Why am I feeling somewhat foreign here, even after twenty years?

I think of myself as living in three different cultures: the Korean culture of my birth, the Korean-American culture that brings the Korean and the American in me into some kind of hyphenated combination, and the Asian culture that people generally categorize me.

Maybe it’s not that I’m lacking a home to return to. Maybe I’m lucky enough to two places I can call home, kind of like having homes in Los Angeles, and Seoul, Korea.

Here is an excerpt from the Introduction to my book, Sex Secrets of an American Geisha: How to Attract, Satisfy, and Keep Your Man. I would love to hear from you with any feedback or comments. Some people have brought up some controversial issues:
1. Don’t you feel you’ve revealed a bit too much of your personal sex life?
2. Don’t you stereotype Asian women with your emphasis on femininity?
3. This book isn’t very politically correct, is it?

Your Journey to Becoming an American Geisha Begins...

My mind said, “I am hot and sexy. And wet.” But I worried about expressing this to men because I was not expected to speak or even to think this way since I am an Asian woman. I am supposed to be shy, demure, not sexually assertive. The stereotype of the Asian woman didn’t encourage me to talk about my sexual excitement and desires; I have been taught since birth to say what other people expect and want to hear.

Growing up as an Asian woman I found no encouragement to explore my femininity or sexuality. Not only were my parents conservative, but with seven older brothers and sisters living in a cramped home in Seoul, Korea, I had no privacy and thus no sex life beyond a few unfulfilling moments of sexual self-exploration stolen while in the shower or hiding under the sheet. Even though my family eventually emigrated to Los Angeles, I was expected to live at home until I married.

I have not always been a feminine, hot, sexy Asian woman. I had to learn to be feminine, hot, and sexy. The movie 9½ Weeks awakened my sexuality. It was February 1986. I was twenty-three years old and practically a virgin; I had never had an orgasm with intercourse. In a dark, sold-out theater in Hollywood, I got wet and hot watching the movie. I dreamed of having a sexual relationship with a man, even if only for nine or ten weeks. I wrote in my journal, “The most motivation to live is to have an orgasm for one full minute. All that I do is preparing and struggling to get the ultimate pleasure, an orgasm.” I used several scenes from the movie for inspiration during my infrequent and secretive (because I still lived with my family) masturbation sessions.

Py Kim Conant, the author of Sex Secrets of an American Geisha: How to Attract, Satisfy, and Keep Your Man, from Hunter House, October 28, 2006. Looking for dating, sexuality, and relationship tips and secrets? Visit her website at www.AmericanGeishaHouse.com

I have received very thoughtful comments from my friends responding to “How to Establish Boundaries in Dating and Romantic Relationships.” I want to share them with you. Thank all of you for sending me your great thoughts and comments/opinions. I really appreciate it.

1. From: YO! Jenny is awesome

I think that what you've noted sounds wonderful. I've had a bit of problems in stating boundaries in past relationships: I'm always afraid of letting them down, and I'm really (probably too) easy-going to really assert myself.

I've never had too much of a problem with the physical boundaries, moving in, marriage, etc. (as no one I've dated is really ready for that just yet anyway), but in sexuality it's posed a big problem. I'm fine telling people that I don't want XYorZ, but when it comes down to it I always end up giving in. Perhaps I'm just not a strong-willed enough woman? I have no idea.

Only recently have I really been a lot better at frankly telling someone what I do and don't want, and although I've been doing what I was afraid of (hurting someone), I realized that it's really best for me (and when I noted this to the people getting the boundaries placed on them they turned out to be quite happy for me). Wow, I hope that made sense.

2. From: sweetgirltech

I really don't understand this stuff. All of a sudden, they change the rules and you become the "girlfriend", but no one told YOU. I myself am very unclear and have lost relationships because I didn't understand. Please everyone share this with us.

3. From: Day Dreamer

Based on your train of thought the woman should attempt to psychologically control the relationship....In theory this works however in practice may things are involved.

The self esteem of either the man or the woman...a perfectly good relationship may be ended by someone trying to dominate the relationship!

The belief system of the couple involved...A man based on social standing and economic conditioning may see these boundaries as rejection and move on based on his belief that there is no love or chance for love in the relationship!

In any event...boundaries work well for those that are use to and respect said boundaries. For many others it is simply may be seen as women having control issues!

4. From: Devil's {ZSC} Advocate

You're sooo good with these. I wish I had read some of this a few months ago. Not this subject in particular, but other things. It's a long story, and it's been 3 months since we've broken up, and I'm still trying to move on. It's hard, but I just want to say that I'm definitely going to buy this book. Thank you so much.

5. From: Arohtar

That is pretty good advice for most and I would have said to my mates to follow it. But in another post here I stated that it was my wife who took my virginity and after living together for 15 months getting married was the next emotional step. And I did ask future father-in-law for her hand and I was given permission. The only thing I didn't know at that time was she was a sexual/physical abuse survivor and the main perpetrator was her father. But that's another story.
This formula seemed to work for us and I am happy with the way things turned out.

Py Kim Conant, Sex Secrets of an American Geisha: How to Attract, Satisfy, and Keep Your Man, Hunter House, October 28, 2006. Looking for relationship, dating and sex tips? Visit Py’s website at www.AmericanGeishaHouse.com