You may imagine that agreeing to have sex before you have a monogamous commitment from a man could lead to the commitment you seek. Wrong. If he gets to have sex with you before commitment, you lose some of your power to get him to commit. After all, why should he commit further if he’s already having sex with you? Yes, you may answer, but with sexual intimacy he’ll fall for me even more. Wrong again. With sexual intimacy before commitment, all you know is that his manhood is in love with your vagina. You are beautiful, feminine, and have a gorgeous, fully shaved vagina. Of course, he’s in love with your sexual organs! What man wouldn’t be? But you want his love for you to come before his love for your sexual organs.

By the way, “instant commitments” don’t count. If you’ve teased him to the point of nakedness or of being only an undergarment away from nakedness, and then ask him, “You do love me, don’t you?” do not be fooled by the answer “Of course I do.” That is his manhood talking. At this point his brain has been kidnapped by his throbbing manhood. All his brain blood now resides in his swollen one, and his is totally in charge of what his mouth says. “Of course I love you” means “Of course I love your sexual organs.” If you let a Good Man have sex with you before commitment, you risk losing that Good Man because you were too easy; you weren’t selective or demanding enough.

Be patient. Get the commitment first. You need to have sex only with a committed Good Man.

It may take you several weeks or several months of dating a man to determine whether you want to have sex with him. This is not an unreasonable time frame for such an important decision. Again, it is totally appropriate to share your thoughts with a man regarding your qualifications of a Good Man and your fundamental needs. Also discuss how he sees your relationship, both now and in the future. If you decide that sex with this man is appropriate for you, then mutually commit to monogamy and go for it. If he is unwilling to commit to monogamy, do not agree to have sex with him.

Adapted from "Sex Secrets of an American Geisha: How to Attract, Satisfy, and Keep Your Man." (published by Hunter House)

From the earliest days of dating your Good Man through years of marriage to him, it is inherent in his being a man that he constantly risks rejection by you. Early in the relationship you may turn down a date, not want to go to the restaurant or movie he suggests, refuse his good-night kiss (even on the third date, as I foolishly did to the man I later married), not let him come into your home, not want to have sex. Your Good Man has the courage to keep taking the initiative with you, proposing things to you that you might turn down, thereby rejecting him in the process of rejecting his idea or suggestion.

Respect your Good Man’s courage in the lifelong journey of risk-taking that he embarks on with you. It takes balls to be a man. Real nerve. Respect that. Even after you are together, even married, his risk-taking continues. A man’s life always involves a risk of rejection. It’s bad enough that he faces that risk at work (as do you, too, of course), but he also faces it at home, even from you, his Good Woman who loves and respects him.

At work, a man may risk rejection (of an idea, a project, a request, a report, an opinion) that could negatively impact how he feels about himself as a man. However, a man’s greatest psychological vulnerability is not the risk of rejection at work, but the risk of rejection at home, from you, his Good Woman. A man’s ego is most vulnerable when, after you have established a sexual relationship, he tells you that he wants to make love to you. At that point you hold his ego in your hands.

If you refuse his invitation or request for sex, you may think that you refused for some objective reason, such as the late hour, illness, chores that need doing, your own distractedness, not enough time, hunger, the baby’s diaper, not in the mood, or a hundred other reasonable scenarios that preclude lovemaking at that moment. If he were to ask why, you’d say, “Nothing personal; it’s just ___________ (fill in the blank).” You probably wouldn’t see it as a big deal. “We’ll make love later,” you’d probably think, if you thought about it any more at all.

“Wait a minute,” you might think, “I’m tired/it’s late/we have to leave in twenty minutes. That’s why I said no. I’m not rejecting him or his rejection. I love him and I love his manhood.”

For him, when you refused his (brave, risky) offer to make love, you refused his manhood. Translation: You refused him as a man. He feels bad about himself as a man, refused by his girlfriend, fiancée, or wife, rejected by the woman he loves, his manhood rejected by the woman he loves, his manhood refused and rejected.

Py Kim Conant, the author of Sex Secrets of an American Geisha: How to Attract, Satisfy, and Keep Your Man, Hunter House Publishers. Looking for relationship, dating and sex tips? Visit Py’s website at http://www.AmericanGeishaHouse.com

No matter how you’ve met a man, the first thing you want to do is try to ascertain whether he has the potential to be a Good Man for you. If he seems to have that potential, you certainly would be open to seeing him further. If he seems not to have that potential, it is best not to see him further, unless seeing him further would open good social networking opportunities for you. Remember always to be frank and honest and nonmanipulative and kind to the men you encounter while dating. Don’t lead on an inappropriate man once you realize he is not a candidate for a longer-term relationship with you.

You must also choose carefully from among the men you attract. You waste time dating a man who has little or no potential to be a Good Man for you. Not only that, but your image may suffer from dating inappropriate men, perhaps discouraging other men from getting to know you, possibly including a man who may have been right for you.

Let’s say that a man you meet at a bookstore coffee shop asks you out for dinner. According to whether or not he seems to have some Good Man potential, you could answer him in one of several ways.

If you judge quickly (or after a forty-five-minute chat) that there is either no potential or so little potential that you do not want to invest any further time, you want to discourage him. You might respond, “Thank you, that’s sweet of you. But I can’t.” If he persists (which he probably won’t), say truthfully, “I’m just not available right now. It’s been nice to meet and to talk with you.” Do not touch him and do not be your most fun, likable self. After all, you want to discourage him.

I have opinion, belief, advice, or information about the book, "Sex Secrets of an American Geisha: How to Attract, Satisfy, and Keep Your Man" which is "counter-intuitive" for most people. There are common myths people believe that I want to debunk:
• Myth 1: Being very feminine is weak and submissive. Truth: It empowers a woman.
• Myth 2: It's what's inside that counts. Truth: Because men are visual, you need to be beautiful, feminine, and sexy to attract men.
• Myth 3: Feminists can't attract, satisfy, and keep a man. Truth: You can be both a feminist and a feminine-ist, a woman who values, loves, and wants to operate out of her femininity.
• Myth 4: The G-spot for female ejaculation is no big deal. Truth: Learn to female ejaculate and become a "shooter"; expand your sexual satisfaction/options.
• Myth 5: Dieting is about food. Truth: A plan (not a diet) is about two things: awareness of your weight and exercise, not food.
• Myth 6: Men and women are pretty much the same. Truth: Men and women are very different psychologically.
• Myth 7: I should wait until he asked me to marry him. Truth: Sooner-rather-than-later, you need to set deadlines.
• Myth 8: Eventually, I’ll get married. Truth: To marry a Good Man you need to make love and marriage your high priority, and a plan.
• Myth 9: Men are generally very confident sexually. Truth: Men are extremely vulnerable and fragile regarding their sex lives.
• Myth 10: Men aren't comfortable with vibrators. Truth: He can love your vibrator, since you'll never give credit for your orgasm to the vibrator.
• Myth 11: I have to say "no" to my husband to sex sometimes. Truth: Never say "no" to sex to your husband. You need to arrange a date in the near future.
• Myth 12: You want to get married. Truth: You want to have a great marriage, not a great wedding.

Py Kim Conant, the author of Sex Secrets of an American Geisha: How to Attract, Satisfy, and Keep Your Man, Hunter House Publishers. Looking for relationship, dating and sex tips? Visit Py’s website at http://www.AmericanGeishaHouse.com

Q: Are you speaking against feminists? You emphasize femininity in your book, "Sex Secrets of an American Geisha" and tell the reader that strict feminists will be upset with you.

Py Kim Conant: As much as some feminists may have problems with me, I have no problems with feminists. I am both a feminist and a feminine woman; I see no reason for having to choose one or the other. All women need the feminist backbone that can allow them to be feminine without being weak or passive, to be nice without being taken advantage of.

An American Geisha is not a strict feminist, except in the world of work and career. The American Geisha develops within herself a comfortable balance between feminist and feminine-ist qualities. In the world of love and romance, I suggest that you shift your perspective to that of a feminine-ist, a woman who values, loves, and wants to operate out of her femininity. In a sense, in your work world you must insist upon being treated like “one of the boys,” treated equally with the men. However, in your personal world, you do not want to be one of the boys. You want to be very different from the boys, very feminine in contrast to their masculinity. You are a feminist while making a living, and a feminine-ist while making (or seeking) love. As a feminist, compete fairly with men at work; then, come home and attract men to you as a feminine-ist. The feminist asserts herself as a person, while the feminine-ist asserts herself as a woman. We women need to do both.

Q: Are you asking women to be the Stepford Wives clones, totally passive women who do whatever their men want?

Py Kim Conant: I do not suggest at all that women become some idealized stereotype of “feminine.” In The Stepford Wives, which was a novel and a movie in the 1970s and remade as a movie in 2004, all of the wives in the town of Stepford are incredibly feminine (they do aerobics in high heels, for instance), but also incredibly passive and dominated by their husbands. As two new arrivals to town (Nicole Kidman and Bette Midler in the 2004 version) eventually learn, all the other “wives” are, in fact, robotic clones created at the husbands’ request to replace their assertive wives. In contrast, I want your femininity to be an individual, unique expression of who you really are, a femininity that represents you being more of yourself, not less, not a homogenized, soulless, robotic slave that devotes yourself totally to your Stepford husband. No Good Woman American Geisha would want to be that robotic woman; nor would any truly Good Man want to be with a woman who is not her own real, happy, individual self.

Q: This book isn’t very politically correct, is it?
Py Kim Conant: No, it is not. I am often writing in my book in a politically incorrect way. I have to be honest, frank, even outrageous with the reader in this book. I can’t try to cover my little ass, saying politically correct things so that no one gets upset. I am not P.C. (Politically Correct), but I am P.C. (Practically Correct) in the book, advising women to do what works, what is practical, what makes you more beautiful, sexy, and feminine, in order to attract and keep your own masculine Good Man.