On the front page of the New York Times (March 11, 2007) was the story “To Have, Hold and Cherish, Until Bedtime,” about couples who sleep in separate beds and kids who sleep in the family bed.

All the problems (snoring, tucked or untucked sheets, one coming in late or getting up early, one tosser-and-turner---whatever the problem) are worth working hard to solve while leaving you naked next to each other through the night.

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A. Why Sleeping Together Is Good
• Should sleep together always, going to bed at the same time as much as possible
• Both are then available for SPONTANEOUS sex; keeps an AIR OF SENSUALITY in the relationship.
• Helps to keep EMOTIONAL love alive and active.
• Even more than sex, sleeping together increases intimacy, encourages communication, and (literally!) closeness.
• Always hug and kiss in bed before sleep, even if no sex. Even touch and be somewhat sexual/sensual, even if you don’t have sex. Express your mutual physical attraction, nightly.
• Also, spontaneous morning sex, communication, and intimacy.
• More passion for your spouse is felt, even if no sex.
• Make your relationship with your spouse your highest priority: have a loving, passionate relationship. (Also: no “family beds”; you should be lovers in bed, not parents. It is also best for kids! Parents who are passionately in love with each other.)

B. Why Not Sleeping Together Is Bad
• Less opportunity for sex and intimacy and communication. Perhaps even avoiding sex, intimacy and communication.
• Less passion in the relationship when you pull away from each other to sleep separately.
• Pay less attention to hygiene and beauty/looks since you’re sleeping alone. Might even let your weight get out of control.
• Possible resentment from the one who may not want to sleep alone. May feel unloved and abandoned.
• You are more like roommates than lovers or a couple or spouses. Less emotional and less physical. Less committed.
• You want to express great enthusiasm for your partner, and sleeping alone (or even just WANTING to sleep alone) is not enthusiastic.
• It is not “romantic.” Wives are more “practical” and men more “romantic,” I believe. Men won’t like this because it is not the “romance” that he wants his wife to bring to the relationship.
• May take it personally, as REJECTION from the spouse.

Py Kim Conant is the author of "Sex Secrets of an American Geisha"
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